


Self discovery

by alexisriversong



Series: Tony Stark Bingo [7]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Getting Together, Love Confessions, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Other, Sexuality, spoilery tags in the end notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:24:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22580188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexisriversong/pseuds/alexisriversong
Summary: After a journey of self discovery, Bucky and Steve meet again.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Tony Stark Bingo [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1289582
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11
Collections: COW-T - the Clash Of the Writing Titans, Tony Stark Bingo 2020





	Self discovery

**Author's Note:**

> See the end notes for the prompt this was mostly inspired by, even if I twisted it a little and for more tags, nothing triggering I think (It's spoilery!) 
> 
> I'm sorry this is a bit OOC!
> 
> Written for the COWT challenge M2 mission. Prompts: serene, snow, darkness 
> 
> also participates in Tony Stark Bingo. Card 3032, prompt: A5 - Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier

After recovering from his life with Hydra, Bucky had retreated for a while in Wakanda. Steve had decided to leave him to it and gone back to the Tower. Tony had been strangely accepting of Bucky coming back after the fight on the helicarrier, and had offered his help with the twists in the arm and to help the soldier get his memories back. The problem of the trigger words was the hardest, but with Shuri’s help, it all came together soon enough.

During his stay in the country, Bucky had found out about new technology while living in a rural area that allowed him to slowly adapt to the modern times. One thing he quickly realized, was that he didn’t always feel good with his body. It had nothing to do with his arm, it was something he remembered feeling also as a child, something he had never been able to express then.

He remembered going to his sister’s closet and stealing her dresses to feel pretty and, when they stopped fitting him, he started stealing his mother’s. He only used to wear them when alone though and he didn’t always feel in the mood for that.

Now, no one batted an eyelash if a guy wore too fitted clothing and make up, it was almost normal. He started asking Shuri for clothes imput and chose some dresses and tight-fitting jeans and shirts. He was also told that he should check the internet for information about gender spectrum and sexuality. It was absolutely mind blowing.

Gender fluid, that’s what fitted him better… no, not him. They. It felt so liberating not to be closed in a box of what was appropriate to wear or not to give a certain appearance, they could just be themselves. Knowing this, brought in his calm and serenity like they had never felt before. The fact that they were not alone, that there were other people like them, it was absolutely mind blowing but brought him peace, with himself and with the world.

Bucky also realized that they were attracted to anyone in the binary and non-binary spectrum, they really didn’t care, what mattered most, was other people’s minds. The problem was, they had been attracted to Steve for most of their life, would this thing change their relationship? Also, would Steve even accept their new status? Was it going to affect their friendship?

Deciding that it was stupid to keep thinking about it without doing a thing, Bucky left Wakanda, promising to come back soon.

The outfit they chose for the travel, was androgynous like most of what they now wore. A grey fitted sweater over a t-shirt and a pair of tight black jeans ripped at the knee and boots. Their long air was tied back in a messy bun and their eyes were lined with eyeliner, mascara and a dark blue eyeshadow. Their lips were highlighted by some liquid, long lasting, slightly pink lip gloss.

They took a deep breath and got down the jet on the landing platform of Avengers Tower. When they saw Steve, handsome in shirtsleeves, jeans and a leather jacket, they lost their breath. “Oh my God, he is beautiful” was the only thought that came to mind in that instant.

\------------------

Steve had known he was gay all his life. He had really tried to be a normal guy and settle down with Peggy. He knew he could have done it, could have stayed with her all his life, been happy, have a couple of children… But he was also confused by how much he desired other men too.

Since waking up in the 21st century, he had realized how much he hadn’t known about sexuality. Growing up, he had been depressed for a while, a pitch-black darkness pervading every crevice of his life, a constant reminder he was not what people expected him to be. When he became Captain America, he coulnd’t help but think about what people would think of a faggot as an American icon.

At the time, he had no idea there was more to sexuality than gay or straight, he just knew that he was alone and that depressed him constantly. He hid it well though and kept on with his life, trying to be, just normal.

After researching accurately the new information, he was now sure he was bisexual with a preference for men and that he was and was probably always going to be, in love with Bucky Barnes. Being without his friend for so long, he had almost forgotten, but seeing that beloved face yet again, brought back a series of previously oppressed feelings he hadn’t thought about for a long time.

The saying is: “distance makes the heart grow fonder”. It couldn’t be righter. Since leaving Bucky in Wakanda to recover, it hadn’t passed a minute without Steve thinking about him. What would his friend think of him? Two men together were something illegal, considered sick in their times, what if Bucky had kept that closed-minded mentality of their times or had managed to evolve to this new age’s mentality.

He was nervous to see his friend yet again, it was almost a year since they had last seen each other and, even then, Bucky had not been totally himself. He made an effort to dress normally, with some modern clothes instead of his “grandpa clothes” Tony teased him about, and went to meet his friend on the landing pad.

As soon as Bucky came out though, he knew he was fucked. If he had been attracted to Bucky before, now, he was completely head over heels. “So beautiful”

\-------------------

They awkwardly met in the middle of the tarmac and stood there, unsure of what to do. It was freezing cold; the first snow of the year starting to fall and cover them in its whiteness. Steve wanted to hug Bucky like mad but had no idea if it would be welcome or not and Bucky thought about kissing Steve, but had the same reservations.

They stared at each other for a while, looking at the changes in style and looks. Eating each other up with their gazes.

“So…” they both said at the same time, both trying to say something to relieve a bit of the stress of the situation. That seemed to do the trick, they laughed together at their silliness and ended up smiling at each other.

“We should get inside, super soldiers or not, the weather is freezing. I love snow, but I come from Africa and I’m not exactly dressed for this climate exchange” suggested Bucky, nodding towards the double doors leading inside.

Steve apologized and guided him inside. They turned to secure the doors and stopped to look the snow falling and starting to coat everything in its white mantel. “I prefer watching the snow from a warm place, it’s soothing” said Steve to break the metaphorical ice.

“Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I’m not a great fan of snow and cold recently” huffed Bucky with a slight laugh while warming themselves almost sitting on a Heater.

“You have a point there Buck” Steve trembled remembering the crash and the cold that surrounded him for years in the ice.

They stood there, watching the snow fall for a while until they both tried to talk again at the same time. “I need to tell you something”

They laughed at the sync again. “You first Buck”

Bucky nodded and took a big breath before saying it, steadying themselves and concentrating on the deep calm inside him since the moment they had understood themselves after all that time. “I prefer the pronouns they/them now. I’m genderfluid. And also, pansexual I think, or sapiosexual maybe, still have to figure that out”

They looked at Steve with hope in their eyes. Steve was smiling. “I wanted to tell you I’m probably bisexual with a tendency to like men more actually. I was afraid you wouldn’t get it. Shouldn’t have worried”

“I also was afraid of the same thing!”

They both laughed at themselves and smiled. “Uhm… there’s more” whispered Steve, worried he was overstepping but not wanting to risk losing even more time.

“What is it?”

“I think I’m in love with you Buck, always have been. I don’t care if you feel like a man or if you feel like a woman, I just like you the way you are and I will always care deeply for you. During the darkest times, you have always been my thought, what I kept in mind to go on. I thought about you when I decided to land that plane in the arctic ocean, I wanted to join you in the after-life. I thought you were dead, what reason had I to keep living?” he breathed in and out, deeply “When I woke up and you were not here, I kept living without living for a while, I tried to build myself a new life, but you were a constant in my thoughts. When I learnt you were alive, the darkness that pervaded my life until then, lifted like a fog and I was finally able to go on. I needed to bring you home, safe, to me” he looked up at his friend “Now you are here, I don’t care what pronouns you prefer, I love you for you, always have. Would you like to go out with me?”

Bucky was kind of star struck. They were also aware that they were blushing at Steve’s admission. “I’d love to go out with you. This time, we won’t have secrets between us and we’ll be able to be ourselves, it’s going to be fantastic! Also, I’m pretty sure I also love you”

After that, they started officially dating, Bucky moved into the Tower. Tony soon enough made friends with him, not blaming him from his parents' deaths but Hydra and they spent hours in the lab, chatting while Steve drew and Tony tinkered with the arm.

Once in a while, the whole team had to save the world or just some problems around the corner, but they always did everything together, as a team should. No one said anything when Bucky came to movie night wearing a dress or showed up to a conference holding Steve’s hand and wearing make-up, the LGBT+ community was so happy to have such a couple representing them.

As things went, it all came out pretty well in the end. Like the snow covered the ground, leaving behind a blank slate to build on, the darkness that was their past, was covered by the happiness and the love of their new life. Calm and serenity washed over the two super soldiers when they thought about the future. Whatever it might hold, they were always going to go on, together.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this
> 
> [facebook post](https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=2802169263183533&id=2258677777532687)
> 
> In this fic, Bucky is gender fluid, I used my thoughts on how it feels to be gender fluid because it's how I feel, I know it changes from individual to individual. In this fic, Bucky starts thinking using "He" and then decides to use "they/them" sorry if I messed up some pronouns! I personally don't use they/them because we don't have a gender neutral particle in my language. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
